The China Blue

How I Wrote: SiLENCE

Around a month after my last single “Nervous” was completed and released, I was in a weird spot mentally. I was very humbled by its reception from my regular listeners and the new ones I gained, but on a personal level realized how much my life contrasted with any appearance of comfort and ease I had in that time period of my life.

Those people who were only there for any sort of success I experienced stopped reaching out. I was still reeling from a breakup, dealing with depression and kind of bad OCD manifestations, and it honestly felt like I had none of these “friends” I gained. I think there was a mix of my brain getting the best of me, but also genuinely noticing how my support system shrunk fast. It was both. It felt like I was only to be supported if I was doing well in life.

I was sitting around with the artist Layzi (who plays guitar on the track) while she was fiddling around with some jazz progressions and something she played stuck out to me. I had her take two of the chords she played and rearrange them to repeat back and forth.

That night I put it into Logic Pro and immediately added those hip hop drums and 808 sounds, I felt like I wanted to balance out the jazz with something a lot more hard-hitting. Ironically but fittingly I started writing those first few lines “I feel like no one’s ever worried bout me” and “I keep thinking all my friends are gonna leave” in bed next to someone while they were asleep.

I put together the majority of the track top to bottom, and handed off the post-production and engineering to my collaborator (the artist H3X) who I worked with on Nervous. He really made this track shine and added an amazing clarity I’m so happy with. We spent a while being very particular about the littlest things in the mix and in my eyes/ears it paid off.

I wrote this in a low point of my life and don’t currently feel everything I felt at that moment. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. But to whoever’s listening just keep holding on to your real friends. And do your best not to let your worst thoughts get the best of you. Find your worth in yourself, not other people.